Over the past several months I’ve been promoted (prollmoted?) from SKEE League Intern to Inskeependant Contractor, and I’d like to think I have proven my worth as one of The Skee League’s most treasured assets.
The real reason Mike brought me on board isn’t just that I’m an amazing blogger, it’s that I am a true visionarskee. I live to innovate and realize dreams. In fact, I have so many ideas that I often have to stick q-tips into my ear canals to keep all of them from falling out of my head.
The only problem ism sometimes my ideas can be a little too ambitious for our Skee-E-O’s tastes. He’s always bringing my ideas down, with doubting questions like – “but who is going to eat all of those barrels of orange chicken?” or “but what if the Saudi prince doesn’t already know how to skateboard?”
Unfortunately, most of my greatest ideas never get further than my Gmail inbox. However, today, I have decided that, whether or not they ever come to fruition, my ideas need to be shared. Below I have included just a sampling of my greatest rejected ideas for our post-game mystery rounds.
1. Skeevival of the Fittest:
Your teammates will want to watch from the sidelines for this one! You’ll have 60 seconds to roll all nine balls, starting immediately after we release a live, hungry grizzly bear from the back of the bar. Both Hundos and middles are fair game for this one—just try to get them all off before you lose a limb. I can bearly skeelieve Mike didn’t give this one two paws up!
2. Catfish and Skeelease:
Now this one may take a bit of planning…
Step one: A week or two ahead of game day, create an OKcupid or Tinder profile using sexy pics you find on Google images. Write a snazzy, enticing bio that says something like “just a misunderstood billionaire looking to shower my soulmate with love and gifts.” Step two: Not this is the hard part! Search the dating site for the person you think will be most capable skeeball roller. Remember, it takes more than muscle to toss a good ball!
Step three: Spend several days flirting with this individual before inviting him or her out for some drinks and your “favorite little neighborhood nook”, Glascott’s Groggery, at your scheduled rolling time.
Step four: When your “date” shows up, let him or her know they real reason they’re there: to roll for your mystery round!
3. Sleepskee Rollers:
Hope you brought your Teddskee Bear! For this challenge, take 5-6 doses of Ambien 10 minutes before your mystery round. Roll as many balls as you can before falling asleep on the bar floor. Now this ones a doozskee! Or should I say snoozskee?! LOL!
Remember when your parents always told you to keep those metal forks and knives away from electric sockets or the inside of toasters? Well, screw them! You’re an adult know and you can do whatever you damn well please with your cutlery. For this challenge stick a fork into the closest outlet and let the electricitskee do all the work! With any luck, the currents should guide your ball right straight into that hundo sweet spot. I guess Mike was too shocked to let this one fly!
5. I’m not angry, I am just diskeepointed:
For this quirky round, have your teammate hold up an Ipad as you skype call your dad. When your he answers, let him know right away about how you didn’t get that job you wanted or about that horrific date you went on last weekend—right as your dad starts talking, roll all nine balls! *Remember, if you cry, you’re diskeequalified!
6. The Aquarskeeum:
Pack up your scooba gear and let’s get divin’! Pumping in hundreds of gallons directly from the gorgeous Chicago river, this round is all underwater—Roll as many balls as you can before you run out of breath.
Have a skeemate mama bird you some skeeballs, whole! Then, stick your hand right down your throat, and launch those bad boys right outta your mouth. This might not be the most sanitarskee, but hey, that’s what the skee lube is for.