Unfortunately, not everyone heeded my helpful hundo tips. Well, not everyone can be a champion right? Then championships would be lame as hell. Think about this, if you didn’t make the playoffs this year, at least you know that, by your losing, you are enabling the other teams to move forward.
If there weren’t losers, there wouldn’t be winners! How noble of you. However, If you’re still feeling bummer, and if you don’t feel like staying in this skeenight and watching Remember the Titans over a carton of melting, tear filled Moose Tracks ice cream, then check out the following tips:
1. Hibernate with live bears until early February when the next league starts. Your game could be immensely improved by a quick nap and some increased ferocity.
2. Freaky Friday your way into a top roller’s body. Try eating some weird suspicious fortune cookies, making a wish onto a falling star, or tricking your opponent into tossing a pennskee into the same magic fountain as you.
3. Better yet, find the guy that gave John Travolta Nicolas Cage’s face then Nicolas Cage’s Face to John Travolta’s face and then back again in the 1997 hit film, Face/Off.
4. When no one is looking, try peeing on the Skeeballs. That way, everyone knows you are king or queen of Skee. No one will want to touch the balls, everyone else forfeits, and you win.*
5. Buy Mike a massage coupon for the day before you roll. He’ll love the massage so much that he won’t get out of his soothing coma in time for playoffs. Then, just bribe us (me/ Dhruv) $500 to “rearrange” the playoff schedule. We can be bought.
