Dear Diarskee,
As we wrap up week four of the Skeeson, I think I am finally becoming well-adjusted to the unpredictable life that Skeeball brings. I wear a uniform now, I give high fives and count out push-up numbers, and I have even learned a couple people’s names. One area where I have struggled, however, is my hundo game. Though I’ve told Mike on repeated occasions that both the front and back machines are in need of urgent repair (how can all nine balls somehow bounce out of the hundo hole, huh?) he remains unreceptive and I have been forced to act on my own. I have compiled a Top 10 list of tips accompanied by a visual guide that I have found to be helpful over the past week. With the help of this list, I have increased my hundos by 100% since week one! (It should be noted that week one I rolled a sum total of 1 hundo).
1. Try rolling with your eyes open. Studies have proven this results in higher scores and causes fewer deaths. Still, some people don’t, and that’s why we have to sign a waiver.
2. Try getting a running start. According to Newton’s little known 4th law of physics, “a ball that get its start running is bound to keep the hundos coming!”
3. Ask someone to “hold these balls” for you while you “run to the bathroom really quick.”
4. Make sure to properly lubricate your skeeballs with the big jug of sanitizing lube in the back room.
5. Magnets. How do they work? Nobody knows.
6. Kiss each member of your team on the lips for 7 seconds each. This will increase healthy blood flow to all your extremities.
7. To ensure your body is at its highest rolling capacity, supply yourself with antioxidant rich Absolutskee™ Jell-O shots, just $2 each.
8. Before each throw, give each ball a thorough lick. This has three advantages 1. You become more familiar with the ball. 2. The ball becomes more familiar with you. 3. The saliva will decrease the friction on the ramp.
9. Try removing a finger or two. Sometimes pesky pinkies or pointers can get in the way of the ball’s momentum. Heck, it couldn’t hurt! (Or could it?)
10. Call your parents and ask if you they really did plan on having you. Often times, the stress over the legitimacy of your birth can affect your game. Funny how the brain works!
*BONUS TIP: Aim for the hole clearly marked “100” on the top left and right corners!
